"Education is an atmosphere, a discipline, and a life.", said Charlotte Mason. But what about when "discipline" overtakes the atmosphere and the life? It can do that. It tends to do that. So let's strip this behavior/discipline/parenting thing all the way down to brass tacks. There's another Charlotte Mason concept she calls, simply, "knowing". Really, the whole education of a person is about knowing. It's about the accepting or rejecting of ideas. So is discipline. It's about a certain outcome in which the person (child) "knows" what is best to think, do and say. Sounds like a big project for a falliable parent to oversee. As usual, a consistent framework will help. I'm going to offer this one.
Imagine a person stuck in traffic. Joe is going to be late for work. He hits the steering wheel, lets go of some expletives, and yells at a driver trying to merge. He gets to work in a bad mood, and this affects his performance and choices. His boss is not happy, either. Now, imagine a different person, Jane, same situation. This time, Jane at first hits the wheel, but then takes a deep breath, thinks "ok, it is what it is.". She calls her boss and explains the situation. The boss is understanding, and Jane commits to checking the traffic report each morning before getting ready. She turns on some great music, and moves on with her day.
What do the two reactions mean? Obviously, Jane's reaction was healthier, and better all around for everyone. But what caused scenario number one? Anger management issues? Sure, but go deeper. Bad habits? Deeper. I submit for your consideration, that these type of reactions signal a rejection of reality. The reality: traffic jams happen, one happened today, to Joe, right then. He was going to be late. Joe chose to push away from this reality with behaviors that indicated thoughts of "it isn't fair!, it shouldn't be!, it isn't right!, this is your fault!" As a consequence, his energy was diverted and wasted on this strong resistance-related behavior. Hence, he neglected to actually handle the problem, and he created other ill-consequences for himself.
Let's move on to a typical parent-child scenario. Parent tells child to finish their schoolwork. Child resists this directive by arguing, pouting, and dawdling. The reality is that the schoolwork needs to be completed, by the child, right now. The child, for whatever reason, turns to the option of wishful thinking (a known cognitive distortion in the psychology/CBT arena). The wishful thought goes something like this: "I will create enough resistance to get out of this unpleasantness." And here's the key. Because we, parents, for a few short years, are privileged and authorized to create that child's reality for the most part, we MUST NOT CHANGE THAT REALITY. Because, when they grow up, reality will not change for them. If they learn now that fighting reality WORKS, it will be one of the very worst lessons a child could ever take out of their developmental years.
I'm going to try to argue here that the lesson is even more important than making sure a kid doesn't grow up to be a road rager. Here is the reason: if a person has a habit of pushing away from realities, a person will push away from the prime reality. "Prime reality" for a Christian Theist, according to James Sire, author of The Universe Next Door, is "the infinite, personal God revealed in the Holy Scriptures. This God is triune, transcendent, and immanent, omniscient, sovereign, and good." And, might I (however presumptuously) add, "and, we may take part in His eternal Kingdom."
A person who has a well-developed ability to push away from unpleasant realities has the ability and tendency to apply that ability to all unwanted scenarios, as they present themselves. Life as a follower of Jesus is not always easy and pleasant. Jesus said, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart. And you will find rest for your souls."- Mt. 11:28-29. I don't know about you, but I don't exactly leap at the opportunity to stick my head into a heavy wooden stock when I feel weary and burdened. The last thing I want is more weight on my shoulders. But choosing the reality-path is just like this. It's often hard at first. "No discipline is pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it"-Heb. 12:11. The path of choosing reality presents an obstacle right away that clouds our vision. It's intimidating. The un-reality path looks very smooth, actually. But the truth about the un-reality path is that the path which pushes away from reality ultimately brings more and prolonged suffering. And, worse than that, what we cannot see is that that path actually goes in a circle, landing us right back where we were, with a choice to relent or resist again. We could use the aphorism, "What we resist, persists.", or "Lessons not learned shall be repeated.". Tragically, the terminal concept of a person who consistently takes the "fight reality" option in life is the ultimate unrealistic thought, "Life is not worth the living." The whole thing really is of eternal importance.
Helping a Child Choose Reality
So then, how do we come alongside our child and help them be a chooser of reality, for a lifetime?
1- Orient. Help them recognize that they are seeing the equivalent of a fork in the road when an unpleasant reality arises before them. Teach them that the road to accepting reality often has an initial obstacle. Sports or physical examples can be good for this practice. Teach them that it is worth enduring, that they are able to endure it, and that it leads to the peaceful way.
2.- Equip. Present the child with some vocabulary for handling their own unpleasant or daunting realities. "It is what it is.", "This is hard, but I can do it, bit by bit.", "I've done this before, I know I can do it.", "This is tough, but I can improve the moment by _______". Have them memorize some verses that may help in these moments. (Mt. 11:28-30, Mt. 7:13-14, Heb. 12:11, Prov. 4:5-7) This ability to choose reality in the moment is a sub-skill of Radical Acceptance, called "Turning the Mind", developed by researcher Marsha Linehan, founder of DBT.
3.- Attune but insist. This plays out by acknowledging what the child is experiencing but continuing to point to what is necessary. After all, the child is actually feeling that negative way. That is a co-existing reality.
4.-Model. Many families have dysfunctions. These maladaptations have a way of creating groups of people who pretend together, both in private and in public. Pretending is one way of modeling poor reality-acceptance. Another way is when a parent is not adept at living in reality themselves. Addictions, anger problems, hostility, irresponsibility, scapegoating, and other adult behaviors teach children to fight reality themselves.
5.- Illuminate results. Point out moments that were difficult in which the child accepted the reality in front of them, persevered, and gained peace. No matter how small, these moments build upon one another, "precept upon precept", to build a lifelong habit.
6.- Keep their reality consistent. Mimic real life for them. They must not receive a message that reality can be adjusted by their actions. Be confident. Be consistent. Never hastily rattle off a consequence that will not endure the test of you calming down. Never pile on so many requirements on to a child that they become overwhelmed and defeated. As Charlotte Mason wrote, the mother, "must never give a command which she does not intend to see carried out to the full. And she must not lay upon her children burdens, grievous to be borne, of command heaped upon command."
It is a theory worthy of consideration: that the child who can, over and over, develop the habit of choosing reality, even when it is intimidating, upsetting or even devastating, without electing to throw a tantrum, resist, blame, numb, or deny-- is the child who can choose to walk the path of the prime reality. And that is the person who may find their very great reward - to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.