More on Principle #4:
“ These principles are limited by the respect due to the personality of children, which must not be encroached upon, whether or by fear or love, suggestion, or influence, or undue play upon any one natural desire.”
Charlotte Mason teaches that there is one guiding motivator that allows a child to remain fully himself—without losing what makes him unique and essential. At every crossroads, when decisions must be made or guidance given, the principle we model should simply be: because it is right (and we love God, who wants us to do right).
She warns, however, that two poor substitutes for this approach are all too common. Though effective and habitual, they ultimately strip children of their God-given personalities. These false motivators? Fear and approval (“love, suggestion, influence, play on natural desire”)
Fear-based obedience is straightforward and familiar. The pattern it sets is clear: If you do X, then Y (a fearful consequence) will follow. Or, worse still, Y (demonstration of a parent's anger, withdrawal, or punishment) , so stop that. Fear controls by intimidation.
Approval, on the other hand, is more subtle but no less damaging. It takes many forms—charm, coercion, praise, favoritism, or even confiding in children as though they were adults. In this dynamic, a child’s energy shifts toward seeking the adult’s approval rather than developing an internal moral compass. Their sense of right and wrong becomes entangled with the emotional state of those around them.
When framed this way, isn’t it clear how these methods encroach upon a child’s personality? And if they do, how great is that loss?
Haven’t we already seen the effects in our generation? A loss of identity. “Weak will”, as Mason puts it—easily influenced, restless, always searching for something more. Difficulty forming meaningful relationships. Low self-confidence. A willingness to cheat or lie if it serves personal gain without consequence.
The Right Message
What children need to hear—early and often—is this: Here is what is right. We do this because it is right. This is the good, true, and moral path. Our North Star is God Himself. This is where we are all oriented.
When we rely on fear or approval, we make ourselves their North Star. And in the end, they will find themselves lost.
Susan Schaeffer Macaulay writes frankly about this concept in her book “For the Children’s Sake”:
“A child whose life is shaped by fear, does not share the sweet joy of the lamb scampering in the shepherds pasture. Therefore, the child is not to be forced to do his duty (be it learning a times table or remembering to put muddy boots away) because if he doesn’t all hell will be let loose on him. Nor should he be enticed to do so because “it makes me happy if you do”. He should like and love those who are responsible for his child-life. But he isn’t just to do those things to make somebody who cares about happy. One day you won’t be there to see! No, he must learn that he does it because it is right.”
and, Since Jesus Christ’s earthly work, nobody is to act as priest for anybody. And the Holy Spirit is the one who works deeply into our personal lives. We must never presume to usurp his work. It is dangerous to think that we are entitled to do so because we are parents, family, teachers, church, workers, or adult adults.”
Let us instead strive to uphold the moral law—rooted in the existence of God—and nurture within each child a steady, well-placed confidence that allows them to be fully and beautifully themselves.